Terrible Valentine’s Day Gifts

11 Feb

Love PanAs I walked through the aisles of the grocery store the other day, I stumbled upon a frying pan with a heart on the bottom. I laughed at the notion of giving this to my roommate for Valentine’s Day as a subtle suggestion to get back in the kitchen. I wondered about other bad gifts that may be on the market. I did some searching and compiled a list of terrible Valentine’s Day gifts for guys everywhere to purchase if they are looking to not have sex for 3-13 days.

NightgownThis stylish flannel nightgown worn by a young Murphy Brown is guaranteed to invert her smile. Unless your fantasy is to make it with an off-duty, non-naughty librarian, stay away from buying her something that says ‘closed for the night’.  Something like this may improve your chances dramatically.  Sexless 3 days.

woman get back in the kitchen Apron | Spreadshirt | ID_ 6639495Ah yes, more super classy male chauvinism at its finest. Combine this with the heart frying pan and you have an awesome gag gift that gets a laugh or a ticket to sleep on the couch; results may vary. Find more ‘Get Back in the Kitchen’ gear here. Sexless 0 or 7 days.

HeartBowlWatch out for the punalanche! Spare no expense with this $100 paperweight that will strike up a conversation about your lack of ability to listen. You will surely drop the ball in the gutter if you buy this for your sweetheart. This ball glows in the dark while yours may turn blue and the only lane you will be waxing is your own. If you have to get her a ball, go with this. Sexless 8 days.

Brief JerkyYUM! But, if you are going to go edible, do more traditional. Sexless 9 days.

How to Be a Better WifeLast, and definitely worst would be buying her a copy of ‘How to be a Better Wife.’  Nothing will let your loved one feel more worthless and/or angry than a book about improving the way she loves you. This couldn’t even be pulled off as a gag without getting punished. Don’t even hint to her that this might be something she is interested in. The only avenue would be guilt tripping her after you read ‘How to be a Better Husband.’ Sexless 13 days.

Valentines Day Champion

This unique VD is the worst case of love sickness doctors have ever seen!

Best of luck gentleman!

4 thoughts on “Terrible Valentine’s Day Gifts

    • This email spam-bot is such a hilarious asshole, I had to accept the post. Do NOT click on those links.

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